I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
