I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
