I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
