this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
