I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have aggressive nipples.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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