Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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