My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
