When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
