the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
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Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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