you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
