I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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