I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
