it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
