someone threw a dead crab at me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
