dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Panties = found
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
