i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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