So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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