my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
