we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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