When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
