If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
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