One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
