He uses pillows to masturbate.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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