You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
