i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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