she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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