i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
