I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
