My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
