Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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