Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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