Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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