he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
