Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
