thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
