After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
