I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
