Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
