Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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