Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and she was petting her beer can
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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