Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
