The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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