She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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