the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
