A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
