when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
