Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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