Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
