I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
