I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
