When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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