1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
