so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You need Xanax blowdarts
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
