Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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