i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
