May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
